Where did you get a picture of my penis
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
