the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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