Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
