My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
