between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
We smell like vodka and hangover
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