Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
