The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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