the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
