Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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