How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
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