i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I wish they made helmets for livers.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
