just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
