You can't special order awesome
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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