I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
