fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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