I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Randomize
