It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
