I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
