Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
