can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize