Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
