2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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