I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
