They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize