I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
