Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
