Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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