so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
