I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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