it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
