is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
