This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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