I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize