when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
