Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
