new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
