So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
