I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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