There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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