EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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