Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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