You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
That accounts for only three of the penises
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
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