Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
