my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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