How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
