I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
