he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
