as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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