It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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