Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
