when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
