Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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