Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
