I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
The best revenge is premature balding
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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