And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
