They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
