is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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