I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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