I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
