Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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