My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
