I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Sorry about my life...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
