I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
