is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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