I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
