you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
