So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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