You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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